Ramble: Protect the Fort

Hey guys, been a long while, thought I’d write an update post about where I’m at and plans going forward.

So, where have I been? I’ve had a fair bit going on for a while. I recently came out of a relationship that took a bit of a strenuous toll on my life and free time. My Grandfather also unfortunately passed away and it’s been difficult to come to terms with that and try to reconnect with my family as a result of his death.

Note: The things I’m gonna write about here are very personal thoughts. I talk very very explicitly about poor mental health. Some of you may find what you read here disturbing. Rest assured, as of right now I’m okay. These rambles have always been a place for me to just vent and get out my thoughts so here goes:

This past week my mental health has been in the worst possible state it’s been in a very long time. It’s a dark, horrible place that coerces me into believing that nobody cares about me. Even when people do make a conscious effort to remind me otherwise.

The flat is a mess and I’m binge eating like crazy. I find myself falling into really bad old habits. The thing that scares me the most is that I know they’re bad habits but I can’t stop myself. It’s so scary to not feel in control. Like the thought that I might hurt myself or god forbid someone else absolutely terrifies me.

Being around good people helps a lot. I’m still going to work which while might just mean I’m high-functioning also means I have my income. It gives me some sense of being in control. It’s just when I get home from work the bad habits kick in. I find myself so exhausted from just going to work and my job isn’t anywhere remotely strenuous in the physical sense. So I get back from work and just want to sleep. Day in, day out.

I realise this could be my Depression flaring up again, it has been a very long time since it reared it’s ugly head. I’ve made a lot of progress since I moved out over the past 3 years. This feels very much like a hard relapse. Thinking about it like that gives me some form of hope, however. As I’ve beaten this depression/depressive state before, it gives me faith that I can do it again.

I do have to remember that there are people I can talk to, friends, family to an extent and a doctor if it gets really bad. The worst thing about this is it makes me feel like I’m just a burden to other people so I don’t reach out for the help I really need. Then everything gets bottled up and becomes so much worse.

Coming out of the relationship has also made me realise that I desperately need to work on my self love. Whether it’s doing the things that make me feel happy or just reassuring myself that I’m gonna be okay. In putting myself as a priority, I’ll be in a better place to give to others. Which is ultimately what I actually want to do.

So, protecting my own mental fort is what I’m working on right now. Building myself back up to a place of “normal” functioning and just getting back on my feet. Getting back to blogging is also something I wanna do. The relationship took up so much of my time and energy that I just never had time to sit and write. But hopefully I’ll be back up and running soon.

I’ve also been playing a lot of For Honor recently with friends, might write about my experience with that one as it’s not my usual type of game.

Cheers for reading as always, hope you’re all doing great. Speak to you all soon

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