Ramble: Self Control & Depression

Sometimes I do feel like just putting pen to paper, or well keyboard I suppose and going off on one. It helps me think, okay?

 

Right so, recently I’ve had a bit of a spat with my mental health. I do believe I suffer with some form of depression as well as general introversion so people aren’t really my thing for relaxing or de-stressing myself. It’s kind of one of the reasons I started this blog, so as to get what’s in my head out basically. If that makes sense.

So what I’ve noticed recently is having to go out for work or other things seems to have left me feeling more drained than it usually does. In addition to this, I also find myself being really nihilistic and it’s scary for me because almost immediately after being that way I catch myself thinking “wait, that’s not me?” Almost like I’m slowly losing my grip on my own mind and someone else is taking over? Like I said, it’s pretty scary sometimes and it’s gotten me in trouble quite a bit recently with work and friends.

I do feel incredibly misunderstood most days. I’m not like other people. I have my own values and I get called out and almost alienated for it sometimes. It’s really not my fault for being different though? I have good intentions but I seem to struggle with conveying them sometimes. I just feel out of place everywhere except my home. It’s getting to the point now where I don’t want to talk to or trust anyone for fear of being misunderstood and penalised.

I’m doing my best to try and get better with people, some have suggested a change of career or trying to meet new people by going out. As an introvert, I find going outside really intimidating. Again, there’s a really deep-rooted fear of being misunderstood for being different.

When I am at work or outside I come across as being lazy or even selfish sometimes but the truth is I either don’t know what to do or don’t feel confident or comfortable in doing it. I really wish someone would just take the time to be a sort of guide for me. I hate feeling so new to this world. It makes me feel like an idiot that should know better.

I feel like by now at 22 I should have at least some idea of where I want to go in life and a vague idea of how to get there. I really don’t have a clue and my immediate cultural surroundings really drive home that alienation feeling for it.

At this point do I just accept that I’m not gonna fit in with society or do I have to make huge effort to change who I am? It’s honestly been a huge struggle for such a long time tying to figure out who I am and what it is I actually stand for and/or care about. Sometimes I feel totally devoid of reason and motivation to do anything at all.

I’ve just had a long period now of pure demotivational thoughts. Things like “oh you don’t have the experience to do this” or “there’s no way you can do that”. But it’s my own inner voice telling me these things? It’s really frustrating and depressingly hard to cope with some days. It’s like I’m fighting this internal battle between doing what I want and putting on a happy face for the sake of necessity in my work and social life.

I’m literally fighting off day in day out this voice in my head that’s like “fuck it, just be an asshole, everyone else is.” Whenever I see anyone else get recognition I uncontrollably think “well what about me?” And that leads to me doubting my self worth and it’s just a bad time. It’s scary again because I can identify immediately that I don’t want to think that way but I just do. Like I’m not in control? But if I were to say that wasn’t me people would think I’m mad or backtracking so I’m now stuck in a situation where I have to unwillingly commit to being an asshole.

So I suppose the crux of the issue is that I’m struggling with self control and self confidence. I believe this comes about from not being in control of my life. I feel like to improve I need to be more pro-active in my life any keep on top of my mental health. Even just having written this short ramble I feel much better. I have to remember this asshole voice does not control me, I do. And I’m better than it. Much better.

I hope reading this might be of some use to someone going through similar things or if you know someone expressing similar behaviour. Please be patient with us. Try and take the time to understand that we might not understand it ourselves.

If anyone wants to chat about any issues that they want to talk about in private, my socials are at the bottom of every page. I will do my best to hear you out and help where I can.

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